So you’ve got the belly that arrives everywhere five minutes before you do and that people feel compelled to touch.
The first thing that everyone feels so obliged to tell you is to sleep now because you won’t get to sleep later.
If you’re pregnant or have ever been pregnant I guarantee you’ve heard that at least ten times from people you’ve never met.
But what about the things no-one tells you about?
Well I’ve compiled the ultimate list.
1. They Get Bigger And Darker, Then They Flop Over And Die
You may have heard they’ll grow and then they’ll sag, I promise you this is the nice version.
Once the baby is there they continue to grow and then it’s like some sort of plague hits. The areolas get bigger and darker, no longer the nice cute pink you’re used to. More like old dying flowers.
Then once you’re done feeding or not feeding the baby, they just deflate.
Those nice perky things. Remember?
You could get away with not wearing a bra sometimes.
They will now realize they have more in common with your belly button than your chin.
They will keep working their way down to meet their new best friend and unless a strong bra with under-wire stops them.
2. Forget about Energy and Vitality
If you feel well-rested and full of energy now, just accept that it will never, ever happen again.
If it’s not a newborn baby crying in the night, it’s a toddler with nightmares. If it’s not baking cupcakes for the school party, it’s worrying when your teenager will come home.
Even if they are home and sleeping peacefully, you won’t.
Your mind races a mile a minute on everything that needs to get done and isn’t done. Every single moment you didn’t appreciate 1,000 percent because you are told your kids grow up too fast.
Then just when you think you might be able to go to sleep at a decent hour… the cousins come to visit.
Face it, you will become lovers with the coffee maker more than with your significant other. You will feel tired for the rest of your ever loving life and you might as well just accept it.
If you’ve been told to get sleep now, you’re thinking it will last for a few months until the baby sleeps through the night. Ha Ha NO…
3. You Start to Hear Things
Before your baby can talk, it will cry and scream.
Once it can talk, it WILL NEVER STOP, ever.
If it does stop it’s only because they’ve discovered how much fun it is to create barf sounds at the dinner table.
You will get so used to hearing noise every second of every minute of every day. Even when the entire house is quiet and asleep, you’ll hear things. You will hear the kids talking or crying, even when they are sound asleep.
They either make friends with ghosts and tell them to haunt you while they’re asleep (or at grandma’s!) or the little psychos have managed to drive you insane. Either way there’s no longer such thing as peaceful quiet time.
Even if you manage to have a night where you are not hearing them in the house, you won’t be able to look at spaghetti without hearing the cute way your kids say it.
4. Your Vagina Now Belongs in a Horror Movie
There are two things that happen that make your vagina the stuff of nightmares after having a baby.
If you had the baby the natural way, your vagina may now look like that of the Bride of Frankenstein. Stitches abound and make sitting, standing, and moving difficult.
Then comes the fun part, no matter which way the baby came out, there’s going to be enough blood to satisfy at least three slasher flicks.
You’ll be changing pads every ten minutes and you’ll learn the skill of doing this while holding a squirming newborn.
You think you’ll never be able to leave the house without a towel between your legs ever again. It does stop…eventually.
5. Commercials Will Make You Cry
Get used to your kids asking why you’re crying during their favorite Disney movie
Okay, EVERYTHING will make you cry.
You might as well just forget about watching movies or commercials because it will turn you into a ball of crying, wailing mush. If you thought you had to fast forward through The Lion King before you had kids, you might as well just never watch it again.
Those SPCA commercials? Forget it. Any commercial with kids playing with a parent, growing up, smiling, frowning, playing…
Any scene where a kid is happy or sad will have you tearing up at the thought of seeing your kids experiencing the same.
This emotional rush isn’t just about the hormones post pregnancy. Even years after having a baby you’ll still be 100 times more emotional than before. Get used to your kids asking why you’re crying during their favorite Disney movie. Or telling your husband why that insurance commercial has you reaching for the tissues.
Luckily there is the PMS excuse that will keep him from asking anything for another week.
So Be Ready for the Most Exhilarating, Frustrating and Wonderful Time of Your Life
Having kids requires the sacrifice of your pristine skin (hello tiger stripes), your perky boobs, your energy and your ability to sleep.
The only good thing about it is that they spend every one of their waking moments trying to make up for it all…
You’ll just need to keep that in mind when they’re throwing the next tantrum.