I’m Pregnant! What happens now?
So, you’re pregnant. The home pregnancy test confirms it. The visit to the clinic confirms it. Happy, happy, joy, joy time. But what happens now? What have I gotten myself into?
If you’re not sure how far things are, try our due-date calculator that might give you some guidance.
First of all, don’t panic. We’ll take it step by step, month by month.
You are a woman, hear you roar, yadda yadda. The bottom line is that you can do this. But you need to know what to expect.
So keep reading, bookmark this page and refer as often as necessary. It will all be over in nine months.
(Actually, that’s a lie. It’s all just getting started in nine months, but that’s another whole new ballgame. Let’s stick with what’s going on in the body for now.)
The basic fact is that at one month of your pregnancy, you probably have no clue you’ve been impregnated. That’s the fancy way of saying a sperm got to one (or more) of your eggs, and a little bundle of joy is now growing like a parasite inside your uterus.
If you’re one of those very organized women who keeps a menstrual chart, you may have a suspicion that something’s going on if your cycle is usually fairly regular.
If your cycle is typically irregular, we’re pretty sure you’re clueless at this point that you have a bun in the oven. Go on about your business and don’t sweat it.
But you need to keep one thought in mind: if you are having unprotected sex, you are running the risk of pregnancy every time. If you’re going to accept the responsibility of the possible consequence of this sort of action on your part, then woman up.
Cut out the habits that you don’t want your mother to know about. You could be growing another human being inside of you, and with great deeds comes great responsibility.
Welcome to womanhood.
BBy now, you probably know that you’re pregnant. But you may not. If you do, you know the reason behind your sudden urge to sleep for 23 hours a day.
You’ve probably already started to develop the mommy trait of “power naps”. What that means is that you train yourself to drop almost immediately into REM sleep anytime you assume a sitting position, including the potty. Grab those Zzz’s where you can.
You’re also learning the many rewarding, spiritually enriching aspects of morning sickness. Yes, that’s the same morning sickness that likes to show up at noon, around three p.m., before dinner, and just when you finally get to crawl into bed. That sickness.
There are almost as many home remedies for these bouts of nausea (with or without vomiting) as kangaroos are hopping around the Outback. The trick is to find whatever works for you, and a good place to start is with your doctor.
Excessive morning sickness can lead to electrolyte imbalances, so don’t play around with it if you’re worshiping at the porcelain throne all day.
The second month can also introduce you to the many faces of mood swings. You’ll feel like you have no control over your body, that your whole reality is spiraling into chaos, and that you are powerless to do anything about it.
Face the facts, dearie: you have no control, your reality is changing drastically, and you are powerless to change any of it. Just go with flow, don’t sweat the small stuff (there’ll be plenty of sweating later), and you can enjoy some of this crazy whirlwind you’re caught up in.
Did we mention that your breasts are also getting tender? They may be growing larger, too.
The Boob Fairy will pay a visit sooner or later …
You’ve made it to the last leg of your first trimester. Things are either going very well, and you’re sporting that “glow” everyone is so fond of talking about on T.V., or you’re like most of us and feeling like you’re living on the 9th plane of Hell.
Your sense of smell is in overdrive, especially around the old lady who did a swan dive into a vat of perfume before locking you in the elevator with her.
Just keep reminding yourself that there are laws against assaulting the elderly.
You’ll notice you’re beginning to pull your daily outings, including your morning commute to work, around the location of the closest restrooms. Your former cast-iron bladder has become a water balloon that is habitually on the verge of bursting.
We suspect it may be a design flaw, but the simple fact is that your bladder will never be the same again. It’s going to take a pounding (literally and figuratively) before this is over.
If people aren’t noticing your sudden love affair with the restroom, they’re probably starting to see the larger boobs and the increasing paunch you’re hiding behind looser and looser fitting clothing.
If you haven’t seen a physician yet, what are you waiting for?
This is a natural process but there can be complications, and things can go wrong. Your body’s priority has shifted to the preservation of the child growing inside you, and it will cater to that priority, even if your body kills you in the process.
That may sound harsh, but it is an unfortunate reality. Even in the 21st century, women still die from complications of pregnancy. Don’t jerk around with this, girlfriend. Get your butt to a doctor NOW.
At this point, your body seems to be cutting you some slack, and you may find yourself feeling pretty good about all of this. You’re definitely “showing” by now, and you’re getting used to the attention of others asking you about the details.
You may be able to see that “glow” on yourself when you look in the mirror. And you’ll be looking in the mirror a lot… usually, when you’re naked.
Your morning sickness has probably given way to the next stage of the gastronomical effects of pregnancy. You’ve gone from puking your brains out to eating your weight in whatever you can get your hands on, every chance you get your hands on it.
Don’t be surprised if you find yourself eating some things that you normally wouldn’t have on your plate (anchovies come to mind). Of course, there is a tradeoff: all that eating introduces you to the wonderful world of heartburn. You’ll probably also notice that your feet are swelling. You may as well ignore it; it isn’t going anywhere.
You’re halfway home at this point! Enjoy the 5th month; there isn’t that much new stuff that gets thrown at you. You may notice an increase in vaginal secretions but a good panty liner can usually make that tolerable.
What borders on intolerable is all the strangers who think it is socially acceptable to pry into your personal business when you’re standing in the check-out line or riding the bus home from work.
You’ll get a lot of the usual, “What are you having?” and “Have you decided on a name?” Take it all in stride.
You may as well because people have been doing this to women since the dawn of time. It isn’t going to stop anytime soon. If, however, they think it is acceptable to put their hands on your belly without permission, drop kick the mother (not really, but you can make him/her believe that you will).
Now comes the fun part: baby’s first kicks. You may start feeling your developing offspring moving around in there. They like to kick, punch, and stretch and roll around.
Sometimes you may be able actually to see your baby’s movement if you watch your belly. You’ll feel like your internal organs are being used as a punching bag at times, too. It will be more like a fluttering feeling at this point. It will get stronger as the baby grows, and can become downright uncomfortable before the delivery.
You’ll find that your little bundle of joy apparently thinks your bladder is a trampoline. This will also increase in intensity toward the end of the pregnancy.
By now, you’ve probably started your mental map of where the clean restrooms are all along your regular travel routes and shopping centers. Keep your internal GPS on at all time because when Junior decides to do some backflips on your trampoline-bladder, you’ll be glad to know where those restrooms are.
Now that you’re in your 6th month, you’ll also discover more changes in your body functions.
One good solution is to keep the dog near; you can always blame it on him!
The heartburn that started earlier is still hanging around and likes to visit with a vengeance after most meals. You’ll also notice some serious gaseous issues. You’ll find yourself thinking of ways to fart in public without anyone noticing.
Backaches become your constant companion at this point in the game. Now would be a good time for your sweet honey to offer up some backrubs and foot massages. You should also invest in some maternity clothes. Don’t go crazy with the wardrobe, however. You won’t need them long so don’t think you have to replace every ensemble.
The 7th month of pregnancy brings with it a whole new definition of the word “exhaustion”. You’ll find yourself craving sleep 24 hours of the day, but at the same time, your mind will fixate on all the things you think you need to do before your baby arrives.
Get used to this feeling; it will be with you for the next 18 years.
When you do get to sleep, you’ll be treated to some wacky, freaky, incredibly bizarre dreams. Sex tends to be a common theme in these dreams. Enjoy!
Baby will be much more active, especially on that bladder trampoline. You may also start feeling Braxton Hicks contractions. These are not real labor pains; they’re sort of like practice. Your stomach muscles will tighten up and then relax.
You will probably feel them, but they should not be particularly painful. If they are, or you’re uncomfortable with what’s going on, give your doctor a call.
And, of course, you will notice the universal tattoo of pregnancy: stretch marks. They are going to happen, you can’t prevent them, they will mostly fade, and there is no sense in stressing over them.
Be prepared to find some on your breasts, as well. No area of the body is immune.
With the eighth month, you start to think you’re the big bad wolf – huffing and puffing all the time. Breathing is becoming an issue, as in you have a hard time doing it.
Sometimes just struggling to get to your feet and get to the bathroom before your bladder trampoline starts to empty is a challenge. The best thing you can do is don’t do anything you don’t have to do.
Your baby is growing rapidly now, putting on weight and getting ready for the big reveal. You may notice that your Mini-Me isn’t moving as much now. Don’t freak! This is normal.
The problem is a related to the accommodations. There is a limited amount of space in there. If you’re stressing over it, give your doctor a call.
You’re also now well into the infamous waddle. Yes, you walk like a duck, and your butt looks funny. Just go with it. Every step will feel like your hip joints are dislocating, and the baby is going to drop out of your vagina with every breath.
Put your liberated, modern woman persona aside at this point and graciously accept the doors being opened for you or the bus seat being offered up. You are as pathetic as you look, so don’t fight the feeling. Smile, say “thank you” and sit down.
You may also have discovered the wonders of hemorrhoids by now. There’s just not a lot to say about the matter. They are a pain in the ass. If over-the-counter remedies don’t help, talk to your doctor.
The good news is the little darlings probably will not go away after the birth.
However, the heartburn, mood extremes, dizziness, fatigue, headaches and significant swelling in your legs and feet will get better in another month. There’s light at the end of the tunnel, now.
In this, the final month, you’re feeling satisfied that you’ve been cursed to the lowest level of Hell. Sleep isn’t happening, everything you eat or drink gives your heartburn, and you haven’t seen your feet in a couple of months.
And with all of this going on, what do you find on your mind? Sex! If your doctor says it’s ok, then go for it, girlfriend!
You’ll experience the infamous dropping off the baby. Your offspring will be turning and getting into position for the delivery. You’ll be able to breathe better, but that trampoline bladder thing will kick into high gear.
Those Braxton Hicks contractions will increase, and you may pass a mucus plug. Don’t freak if you see this gooey mix of blood and mucus. These are just signs that labor is coming. Have your hospital bag packed and by the door.
Your boobs will be swollen and painful by now. Get a good bra with firm support. Don’t try to cram those things into your cute little push-up, plunging lacy little underwire. Those things are not attractive at this point and dressing them up fancy won’t make them look any better.
Get a strong, sturdy bra that supports the weight of your very pregnant breasts. They will decrease in size once you either wean your child off breastfeeding or take the medication that dries up your milk supply. Boob Fairy pack your suitcase ….
You’ll find your mind focusing more and more on the coming labor. What’s it going to be like? That’s simple. It will hurt like hell. And yes, you will poop on the delivery table. Accept it, embrace the moment, and move on with your life.
If your water breaks, get to the hospital. If you begin passing blood, get to the hospital. If you start having regular contracts that get stronger, go to the hospital. If you feel uncomfortable about anything that’s going on, go to the hospital.
Any questions? Leave a comment below!