It can be difficult to let go after 18 years of parenthood. Here’s a glimpse at the transition ahead, and some advice on how to prepare.
In overall, try to be supportive even when the child says “I do not want to take my course.”
Source: Pexels
The emotional roller coaster
- Parents should recognize that this is a time for ambivalence.
You may feel mixed emotions about the opportunities that await your child, as well as feelings of sadness and nostalgia. Talk to other parents going through the same thing.
- Recognize conflicting emotions in your child
Like you, your child is constantly being pulled between the past, present, and future. One day, he or she might be claiming, “Leave me alone, I’m 18.” Your child’s “I’m independent” attitude can be contradicted by the “you’re always around when I need your help.” These are signs of the ambivalence that comes with this transitional period.
- You can take comfort in knowing that a part of you is with your child.
Your child will carry the foundation you have built over the last 18 years with them throughout their lives.
- Do not tell your child, “These are the best times of your life.”
Between the ages 18 and 22, no one is always happy. It’s not comforting to hear that parents are implying that everything is perfect.
- Celebrate this moment.
Do not be so focused on the departure of your senior year that you miss out on the fun and joy of the summer days ahead.
The summer before
- Expect to see less from your child this summer.
You can expect less to see your child the closer you get to departure time. He will probably spend every waking moment with his friends. This is a time to spend together.
- Discuss your expectations and make a financial plan.
Make a budget and decide who will pay what. Some parents may pay for books and supplies while their children are responsible for snacks, movies and CDs. Students are responsible for contributing a portion of their tuition to the earnings of other students. Your child should be taught how to responsibly use credit and debit cards.
- Discuss your academic goals and expectations ahead of time.
Many freshmen don’t do as well academically their first semester as they did their high school years. And many have changed their mind about the course of their studies. Ask them to describe their academic goals for the first year. It is crucial that they take responsibility for their education. Learning is not limited to grades.
Communication: Staying in touch
- Discuss with your child how you will keep in touch.
Are you looking for a scheduled time to chat or more spontaneity? Your cell phone can be an excellent way to stay in touch. However, it can also be, as one student said, an “electronic lead.” You should encourage your child to use the phone with discretion, not just to fill out the gaps. It’s also a great way to stay in touch via e-mail or instant messaging. You can’t expect a reply to every email.
- Don’t try to solve your childs problems by yourself.
There will be more problems than you can handle. When things aren’t going as planned, college students call their parents and share the good news with their friends. If you do get late-night phone calls (which you will), you can encourage your child’s use of campus resources. This includes the ability to visit the career center or health service, or to speak to an advisor, counselor, or tutor. You can learn more about the college and be a better coach for your child.
- Be an anchor.
Inform your child about any changes made at home. Students at college want to know that their parents will accept the changes they make, but want the home to remain the same. It’s crucial to inform parents about any changes in their home. This could include moving a younger sibling into the room or, more serious, about an illness or death in the family. This is essential for them to feel safe and trust you.
- Recognize that college today is very different.
Even though century-old buildings may still look great, college life is quite different today than it was 25 or 30 years ago. If you were a college student, don’t start a sentence with “When was I in college “
- Learn more about courses than grades.
Invite your child along to explore new ideas, academic interests, and intellectual passions with you.
- Send care packages.
Students can meet up with their floor mates early in the year by sharing chocolate chip cookies or popcorn. Photographs can be personal reminders that you are at home. Remembering you with photos is a way to say “I’m thinking about you” through holiday decorations, gifts for exam time, or everyday necessities such as shampoo and quarters for your washing machine.
Students return home
- Renegotiate expectations.
For many months, your child has been making decisions about how she will spend her free time. However, you may feel strongly about your child’s behavior when she arrives late, is late to bed, or arrives late for dinner. Students respond well to parents treating them with respect. A parent might say to their child, “I know that you work long hours at school, but I have trouble sleeping at night when you aren’t here.” “Let’s discuss how we will handle this so we both feel good about the situation.” This requires flexibility and communication in order to reach a common ground.
- The college years can be a time to explore.
You may see your son or daughter with a different look, someone else’s clothes, new political views, philosophies or new eating habits. These changes may not last forever. You can take a step back and have a sense humor to help you pick your battles.
- Don’t overschedule.
Talk to your child about family plans ahead of time, especially during holidays, so that they can plan accordingly.
Through college years
- Expect changes.
Students will transform the way they think about and perceive the world. Many students will change their majors or career goals. They will need your support, patience, and support as they chart their own course.
- College students are more interested in what you think than you might believe.
They talk about you, quote you, and look up to you for support. Sometimes they need your help and other times they just want to hear you. One of them said, “We won’t tell which time it is.”
You are invited to experience the joys and challenges of being a parent to a college student.
