There are some who subscribe to a school of thought that as a parent, once your child turns eighteen, you are done. Not done being in their life of course but done being as involved as you have been for the first leg of their life.
Done with the hardest part of parenting and done with being their number one resource for everything as they move towards greater self-sufficiency in their own lives and decision-making. While other parents think that way of thinking is asinine and that a parent is a forever job where the work is never done.
These parents often pride themselves in how involved they are in their kids’ daily lives and create adult relationships with their kids that are still primarily in the form of being their main resource for everything.
But what about those who are somewhere in the middle? Desiring a level of participation in their kids’ adult lives but also wanting to create autonomy for their kids, and themselves?
Many parents exist in this space as well. For this group of people, they tend to take things as they come. Perhaps they don’t want to interfere when their child leases a vehicle for the first time as an adult but when it comes time to buy their first home, they hope to be a part of the process.
Below are some considerations for another huge life milestone, higher education, and thinking to think about regarding how involved you should be when your child makes this step in their life.
Financials
If your child has decided to move their education beyond high school that is a really encouraging event. This can be something that parents have planned for their child all along, but the truth is, the decision is ultimately up to your kid themselves.
In terms of support, you will want to be there emotionally for your child of course, but if you are hoping to also be there to support them financially, that will take some extra planning.
Unless you are in a position to pay cash for whatever portion of your kids’ education you are contributing to, a loan is probably in order.
You can send your kids to college with a low-rate private parent loan to help you pay for their education. Using parent loans for college is common but is still something that you should include your child in.
Even if they are not going to be responsible for paying this money back, they will be responsible, through their study efforts and grades, for staying in school and adding to the validity of having taken out the loan in the first place.
This is a good way to be involved but not have complete ownership over the process.
Resources
There are so many resources on campus for anything your kid could possibly want or need help with, but they still might want to come to you, and you might want that as well.
If you find that there are academic things your child struggles with that you personally cannot help them with, you can be involved in securing resources for them to get the help they need.
Some common areas include essay writing, study tips, and time management.
College is a different level and style of learning than they have previously been used to and if you want to help your child with their essay work, you need to toe the line between helping and doing.
It is natural to want to jump in and help your child to the fullest extent possible when they are in need but the ultimate goal is to teach them how to achieve great things through primarily their own efforts.
A good example of how to make this balance work, would be to acknowledge their request for help and assist with research for third parties that can actually provide the specific help they are asking for without doing all the work for them.
Personal
Whether your child decides to leave home to earn their higher education or remain with you at home, their personal life is about to change in a big way.
There are going to be new freedoms, new schedules, and new demands happening in their life, all big changes, all at the same time. You know your child the best and can help them anticipate some of these changes, armed with that knowledge.
If you know that your child is not a morning person and struggles to motivate first thing, encourage them to shy away from early morning classes and suggest to them that they build a class schedule around the times of day their energy is high instead.
Especially if your kids leave home, it is natural to long to still be as involved in their day-to-day as you are used to being.
However, you should really find ways to handle empty nest syndrome that don’t place that emotional burden on your child. A good way to do this is create days and times where you two touch base that are consistent from week to week.
This can be something that you both know to add to the calendar, look forward to, and enjoy in the moment. Instead of being that parent who’s calls are constantly getting ignored because of their frequency you will be the person your kid is looking forward to catching up with and sharing all the comings and going since the last phone call took place.
